Chapter 1 : Death Penalty

Today i wanna talk about the death penalty. Or, as people in medieval times used to call it a “prime time entertainment”. I wonder if u guys have noticed, but people die.  Yeah, like you’re gonna die too, you know. But that’s not the interesting part… not that nobody is gonna miss u….. but it’s interesting because something i found out.

Here’s what i found out…apparently the number one cause for human deaths is other humans. Not a  single disease has taken as many lives as wars, execution and religion, you know. Like the plague came close to World War II , but then Hitler went crazy…Yikes!

The point here i’m trying to make is as human being we love violence, we love murder. Look at some of the popular TV shows today, game of thrones, breaking bad, 24, Dexter, even a show called as comedy nights with Kapil makes u feel u are gonna stab yourself in the neck. Capital punishment for death penalty has been around for real sometime now, and its logic is pretty simple. If we kill him, he will learn a lesson and he will never do it again. Blimey!!

Now i’ve never been sentenced to death…. yet. I mean .. c’mon i’m a comedian kind of person belonging in India… You never know. Today joke tomorrow poke. Hahaha !! 😀 But if i were ever sentenced to death, i would be okay with it. Because i had read up on how they used to execute people back in those days. And compared to that what we do today is “cute”. If you read upon history the kinds of things they used to do to people makes even a Game Of Thrones  look like a twilight movie. I mean you could tell that the people who came with these ideas had a lot of free time. And there was no twitter.. like back then.. Outrage meant a very different thing. And the kind of things they used to do there was quite terrible. It freaked me out and you won’t believe the kind of things they used to do with people. Like this one thing they would sentence people to be hanged drawn and quartered. I mean 1st they will hang you, and just before you die, they would disembowel you so that your intestines would fall out and they will then cut u into 4 pieces. Thankfully today, that sort of treatment is only reserved for Domino’s pizza. Blimey!

And there in some other country there method of execution was boiling. They would boil you in the water.. i mean when i read this i was like.. Ow man! they are human beings , not the Nestle maggi noodles. And ironically people who were boiled used to die in 2 minutes. And then some uneducated unidentified unqualified idiot complained about lead poisoning…and later they banned boiling. Hahaha…This sweet little innocent world, tell me more about it!! 😀

But the one that used to freak me out the most is called Sawing. I mean, they will literally hang u upside down by your ankles and literally saw (cut) through you. Yeah. They will split you into two. Like the schizophrenics loved doing it….!!

Even in India they have their own version of death penalties because we also wanted to participate here too…. you know we like putting nosy in every cosy. And what they will do is they will crush your head under elephant’s foot you know. And it used to not be just the elephant’s foot; the whole elephant will come with it. And i am not making this up … u won’t believe where this was most popular – Baroda! Yeah… there was no ‘acche din-courtesy Modi’ for criminals back then. You see what i mean here, right? It used to be completely brutal back in those days that’s why today for today i’m okay with a death sentence. U know.. i mean like today the most popular form of death sentence is like.. Hanging! Which by the way makes these suicide people very angry, you know. It indeed is their copy right issues! They kind of go like..” Hey bro, Listen up.. hanging is our thing man” “kya kr rha hai?” “because of people like you we have to start drinking poison now””do u even know how expensive this poision is?” “We have to take circles to get a prescription for this poison first… huh!”

But as a matter of fact, over the years execution became less brutal because we evolved as society. We started taking bath. That’s how sawing people got faded away from practices as people became clean always…you know over these years the capital punishment evolved all over the world so even i india we became up to date . and we sent the elephant away back to the jungles, and that’s how Rambo circus started. Today we have a very refined step by step , sophisticated process of capital punishment in this country. Now if you are a Muslim and by mistake if you were caught doing mishap here, we will hang one or two of you each year but if you are a Hindu .. here is some parole! Go on a holiday .. “ja bhai.. family wala hai ghoom ke aaja”. But if you think about it, it makes sense not to hang a hindu, right? I know we have a lot of hindu audiences here right now, who might not let me get away with all these, but try to be here with me for some time… Hindus get away with a lot more in this country than any other people. You guys agree..?? So hindus are basically india’s white people. So muslims are india’s black people. They get screwed over all the time. My dear muslim friends, if u do not believe in what i’m saying and you don’t agree that muslims are india’s black people, try going out in America and hugging a cop. 😀 Nevertheless, the admitting fact is if there is a place where secularism is safe anywhere in this world is INDIA, our nation. And so the jealous nations and the criminals have shook on the deal to target this diverse and “atithi-welcoming” nation.

So i was telling you violent crimes attracts death penalty at the most and that makes sense..you know. But as human beings we have an obligation towards violence that we do not fulfil. Listen to what i’m saying…. if violence were a bunch of children, we will be the terrible parents. So everyone here must have met those parents who always favour one child more than the other!? You know what i’m talking about..? That’s what we do with the violence, that’s favouritism within the violence.  And i think that’s wrong. Ok listen. I see the need and i understand the need t discriminate against people.  Because, people are assholes. They are terrible and do terrible things. They will take money from you, and won’t give it back. They will upload your picture on Facebook and say “isne chheda tha mujhe, isse share karo and jail bhejo”. People do terrible things you know.. and then they start discriminating against violence also, u know. And that’s not cool. We’ve started calling violence by names.. u know. That’s bullying, guys.. please don’t do that. Like for example what they say now for violence involving bombs and guns… we call it ‘terrorism’. But if the violence involves swords, knives and burning buses, we call them ‘rioting’. But you know, ‘rioting’ and ‘terrorism’ both kill large number of people. But for some reason we only favour terrorist. They are the only guys getting hanged with death penalty. But the poor rioters must be feeling left out. Can anyone please bring some equality over here..huh? Rioters.. bechare .. will be standing there in the corner thinking that…”yar hmne toh masjid b gira di… itte saare log b maare .. hmare wajah se bomb blasts huye… lekin hume koi latkata kyun nai !?” Can we have some equality here..Can we start executing some rioters over here too, please? Let’s get them hanged drawn and quartered too! 25% here. & 25% there… that’s the kind of reservations they always want, na?

I mean right now there is a huge debate over the capital punishment over the world. A lot of countries have done away with death penalty.. but India still has it.. and so do America. You know… because they are America and we copy-compare America in everything hence this example too. They are the pioneers in taking life. I mean they are there in every product category, like Wars-check, invasions-check, No gun control- check. They even create their own terror group just for fun— ISIS. Basically what i’m trying to say is America is the Reliance industries of death- EVERYWHERE.

Now basically if you would ask me that if i’m a big fan of death penalties… I’m sorry. Fan will be the wrong word.. because this is not like i take selfies after executions. The correct word here will be ‘favour’. I’m in favour of death penalty. I understand some of you would be with me too… but you know why i like capital punishments? It’s because one it’s important aspects is closure and here is where USA wins it. In America, the family is allowed to watch the closure or hanging of the person with death sentence. They see and understand it’s over, so move on with their lives. But in India, the people come to know about the death sentence or hanging from Times of India. Its that newspaper of India who does not know difference between Real Madrid and Barcelona. I cannot believe anything they say u know. So i don’t know, whether Ajmal Kasab was really hanged or that was an ad for Biryani. Blimey!!

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Rest you and your wisdom!

-Manish Mayank.

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